The One Book Technical Founders Must Read
In print for 87 years!
TLDR: Despite the off-putting title, Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends & Influence People” is not a book on sleazy sales tactics. It is a succinct, honest account of human nature, and filled with priceless wisdom for dealing with people. Dismiss this book at your peril.
“How to Win Friends & Influence People” a primer.
"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which can not fail to keep people in everlasting ignorance—that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
—Herbert Spencer
First published in 1937, Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends & Influence People” has been wildly popular for 86 years! This book was an overnight sensation and quickly became part of publishing history as one of the all-time international bestsellers.
“How to Win Friends & Influence People” is a master work in dealing with people. It is a clear, simple treatise on human nature. No BS. Just short descriptions of the human animal in action, and how they must be treated if you are to be successful in life.
The title of this book is so cheesy, so cringy, so embarrassing for most people that they dismiss it and shrug it off as a tacky sales program. While I agree that the title rings strange in the ears of folks living in 2023, I think most adults really do want to win more friends and they certainly want to influence people: their spouse, their children, their employees, their boss. Right?
Dealing with people is likely the biggest problem you face in your life no matter what you're doing. What if I told you that about 15% of your financial success is due to technical knowledge, and about 85% is due to your skill in human relations, your personality, and your ability to lead?
John D. Rockefeller said that, “the ability to deal with people is as purchasable a commodity as sugar or coffee. And I will pay more for that ability than for any other under the sun.”
Do you want more success in your life? This is the textbook to study. Dale Carnegie spent years gathering and putting together the principles for dealing with people in this book. Dismiss it at your peril.
I’ve read Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends & Influence People” 30+ times in the last decade, and I listen to chapters of it as an audiobook monthly. I can’t recommend this book enough. This is so cliche it is hard to type: this book will absolutely change your life. However, like all things in life, action is what counts. Putting principles into action. This is an action book.
(Note: read the original text, not the updated “In the Digital Age” version. I think the new version waters down the potent, crisp stores and lessons from Carnegie.)
A Taste of “How to Win Friends & Influence People”
My hope for this essay is that you will understand that the ideas in this book are not manipulative or slick. They are straight forward wisdom for dealing with people. And let’s not be naive about the human animal. Carnegie makes this plain:
“We are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.”
Is that a negative view of human nature? After studying Philosophy for over 20 years, I conclude that this statement is generous, gentle, and spot on.
Let’s get started:
Idea 1: Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain
This idea seems so straightforward at first, but if you dig just a tad into the human psyche you will know thoroughly that as much as we thirst for approval, we dread condemnation. Human nature defaults to blaming everybody but ourselves, and protecting against criticism. We are all like that.
Perhaps you are dealing with a spiritual giant that can handle criticism with grace—don’t count on it. You are likely dealing with a human just like you and me, and criticizing them will stab at their precious pride, hurt their sense of importance, and create resentment.
Remember: Criticism is dangerous! It can damage a relationship quickly and permanently. Benjamin Franklin, famous for his diplomatic skills, wrote, “Any fool can criticize and complain—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.”
Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
Idea 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation
What do people want in life? This list about sums it up:
Health and the preservation of life
Food
Sleep
Money and the things money will buy
Sexual gratification
The well-being of their children
A feeling of importance
Most people get 1-6. Number 7 is the deepest longing and the one that is rarely satisfied. Carnegie puts it well, “Here is a gnawing and unfaltering human hunger, and the rare individual who honestly satisfies this heart hunger will hold people in the palm of his or her hand and even the undertaker will be sorry when he dies"
What does Carnegie suggest we do about this? “Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise” Compliment everyone as much as you can, and do it authentically. People can smell flattery a mile away, but wise people have always known that everyone we meet is our superior in some way, and we can learn from them. Confucius expressed this idea before 500BCE. And Emerson echoed this in the 19th century, “In my walks, every person I meet is my superior in some way, and in that I learn from them.”
Carnegie urges us to, “try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips. You will be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit.” Alfred Lunt, a great actor of the 1920s nails it with this line, “There is nothing I need so much as nourishment for my self-esteem.” We are all like that.
Here is another unvarnished truth about human nature from Carnegie: “Almost all the people you meet feel superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.”
And here is a solid mantra for nailing this aspect of dealing with people: “I shall pass this way but once; any good that I can do or any kindness I can show to any human being; let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”
Would you like more friends and to have more influence in your life? Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Idea 3: Become genuinely interested in other people
We are all very busy. We have stressful jobs, health concerns, children, projects, goals, desires. And all of that tends to make us profoundly selfish and self centered. No problem. That is not a criticism, just an observation about the human animal.
Alfred Adler, eminent psychologist of the 20th century, writes, “It is the individual who is not interested in his fellows who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.”
So what can we do?
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people then you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you”, is Carnegie’s advice.
Become genuinely interested in other people.
And what is an excellent way to be interested in other people?
Idea 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Have you ever worried about showing up to an event because you don’t know what to talk about? Read this and you will never have this problem again.
KEY: “To be interesting, be interested”.
Encourage people to talk about themselves. If they ask you a question, give a brief answer and offer the question back. Listen deeply to them. Keep asking questions. Find the gems of wisdom and adventure and romance and genius in their hearts and minds.
Is the person you are at dinner with into sailing? Talk about sailing. Are they into football? Learn as much as you can from them about their favorite team and player. Do they love yoga? Try to get a sense of what their yoga practice means to them and how it helps their mind, body, and spirit.
People are dying to be heard. Listening is free. Listening is easy. Listening will make people love you, and you will learn a ton about people. Start today with your very next conversation.
Remember: “The royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things they treasure most”.
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Idea 5: Remember names!
Want a quick, easy way to make someone feel important? Remember their name! “A person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language”.
We are all guilty of this: You walk into a conference, a business meeting, a dinner party. You shake a bunch of hands and robotically exchange greetings. We don’t mean to forget, it is hard to nail names in the moment, and we are often nervous about showing up to a social gathering.
Here are a few techniques I’ve come up with to remember names:
Repeat the person's name in my head 10x after hearing it.
Attach something that stands out about that person to help with my memory
e.g.: Anand with the green sweater. Katia with short hair.
Meet someone, then as soon as it is socially appropriate, type their name into the notepad on your phone along with your memorization tool.
Memorize the attendance list before showing up. Even if you don’t know what people look like, you will be primed to remember their name and put a face to it.
Does the above sound silly or like a lot of work? Well, “good manners”, Emerson wrote, “are made up of petty sacrifices”.
We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and make full use of that magic.
Remember names!
Conclusion
I hope you’ve already ordered a copy of “How to Win Friends & Influence People”. And if you haven’t I’ll add here that the above is only a small taste, and the full course meal is waiting for you.
I hope also that the title of this book is no longer a turn off. Far from being a list of sleazy sales tactics, I think “How to Win Friends & Influence People” is an excellent manual for how we can be of service to the people in our lives. Giving sincere appreciation, listening deeply, remembering names, and making others feel important are all wonderful acts of service.
“Whoever renders service to many puts themselves in line for greatness -- great wealth, great return, great satisfaction, great reputation, and great joy.”
—Jim Rohn
Would you like to talk about training your sales and post-sales teams on Carnegie’s techniques? Contact us today!
Email: andrew@winwithlevitateconsulting.com
Website: https://winwithlevitateconsulting.com/